DAMN I used to be hot. And not just in good lighting, or when I was wearing the perfect outfit. I never had to worry about making a skinny face in pictures, tucking my muffin tops into my Lululemons, or whether or not my arm looked fat in a tank top. I was an amazing physical specimen. 9% body fat. No jiggle. No photoshop. Just 100% pure sexy-sex kitten.
IF ONLY. This picture was taken in 2009, shortly before I got married. Looking back, I feel that’s when I looked my best. I don’t think I appreciated it at the time. Matter of fact, I KNOW I didn’t appreciate it. I’d stare at my reflection and find all the things that were wrong. Everything I wanted to change. I’d obsess over my imperfections and shortcomings. If only I was a little leaner. A little faster. A little better. IF ONLY I COULD DO A STUPID MUSCLE-UP!
NOW. Fast forward to today. Today I’m soft, squishy, uneven. I took what I had back then and traded it in. I traded push up bras for nursing bras. Late nights drinking fine wine for sleepless nights rocking my babies. Visible abs for a stretched out belly button. Sexy clothes for something easy to nurse in. A 7:00 Fran for a 47 minute bed time routine that gets longer each night.
BEST. And ya know what? It was the best trade of my life. The way it feels to be greeted by a tiny person flinging themselves into your arms is better than size 3 pants. The pride I feel when my son says he loves me without me saying it first is immeasurable. The serenity I feel with each sleepy breath on my chest and the joy inside me as I hear them giggling, laughing, thriving; it all makes my heart swell.
MAGIC. You see….I made that. What started as a tiny blob of cells magically grew inside me to become a whole person. Each beat of their hearts reminds me how precious and wondrous they really are. It’s like the coolest magic trick my body has ever done. Even cooler than dropping under 60kg’s into a perfect squat snatch. So while my body might not be pinup worthy these days, it is a magical vessel of life that makes me proud to be who I am.
TIME. Sure, these days I spend more time yelling “STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER WITH YOUR SHARK!”, and a lot less time setting gym records and tanning. But ya know what? Some day I will have all the time in the world for the gym. For single digit body fat. My kids are only little once. Only fascinated by bubbles and ladybugs for a short while. The sound of their scurrying feet as I chase them as “the blanket monster” will soon fade away.
I traded what I had for the most rewarding and fulfilling life I can imagine. Each day might be a challenge and an adventure, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. (But I saved the yellow bra and underwear just in case it fits again some day)