AVERY. Know what fat babies do? They eat. A lot. All the time. Avery came into the world at just over 8lbs, but has spent every moment of her 4 months on this earth trying to get as big as humanly possible. Let me break this down for you. She’s 4 months old and weighs 19lbs 14oz, and is 27 inches long. She wears size 12 months clothes, and is currently as big as your average 8 month old.
BOOB FIGHT. Having said all that, my boobs are EXHAUSTED. She not only eats constantly, she also kind of wrestles my nipples a little bit. Have you ever seen a dog put something in their teeth and shake it? Yeah, it’s kind of like that. She squishes my breast in her chubby hand while simultaneously pulling away with her head. I can’t even look while she’s eating. My breast is being stretched in such a horrifying manner, that I’m afraid it’s just going to be ripped from my body. Plus, if I ever want to feel sexy again, I feel it’s important that I don’t think of my boobs in this situation.
SLEEP. I love how people assume that the bigger a baby gets, the more it sleeps. *snort* Well guess what people, you’re fucking WRONG. Turns out the bigger a baby gets, the more it wants to wake you up and eat. She currently summons me at 11:30PM, 2:00AM, 3:30AM, 5:00 AM, and 6:45AM for feedings. So in case you’re feeling like I’m a little snippy…well maybe it’s because my boobs look like tube socks, and I’m only sleeping about 4 hours a night.
HEAVEN. This giant baby might be crushing my soul with her night feedings, but seriously. Look at her. She’s 20lbs of smooshy smiley love. To hear her giggle is like heaven opening up. Her laugh is so genuine, and so jolly that it’s physically impossible not to laugh along with her. So yeah, she’s wrecking any chance I might have of ever having attractive cleavage again….but she’s so goddamn cute I can hardly stand it.