NON-PREGNANT ME. I don’t remember exactly what I was like as a non-pregnant person. I’d like to think that I was incredibly sensitive to what pregnant ladies are dealing with. I probably never touched a belly without asking, like ever. And I also was courteous enough to only share positive stories about my labor and delivery experience with them. Yep. That’s totally what I was like.
GROCERY STORE LADY. Ok, so I touched bellies a LOT. And I always discuss how I pooped on my bed during delivery…..but at least I didn’t seek out random pregnant strangers in the grocery store and make them listen to my stories. I was grocery shopping and was stopped by someone I had never met – EVER. She asked me how far along I was, and them proceeded to spend 10 minutes telling me all about her pregnancy. Um, hello?? Don’t you see the annoyed teenager who is sighing loudly, or my wiggling toddler who is trying desperately to escape from the cart??
MAGICAL. It was as if this woman felt that her pregnancy was so magical that it needed to be broadcast to every pregnant woman on Earth. Or…at least all the ones in the McHenry Meijer. And while I politely smiled and nodded while this woman spoke, inside my head I was screaming, “Unless you simultaneously grew a baby in your uterus, and a tiny unicorn in your ass JUST SHUT UP! NOBODY CARES!”
DREAMS. The only thing I can compare it to is hearing about someone else’s dreams in vivid detail. Katelyn does that to me all the time. “….and then Justin Bieber was there, and he had his shirt off and we flew away on a magic carpet, only the carpet was made of kittens!” Mmmmmhmmmm……that’s nice sweetie. Kittens. Bieber. Fucking awesome. As a side note – I’m pretty sure she knows I’m not listening. Every now and then she quizzes me on that shit. “Mom, remember that dream I told you about last week??” Um, no.
MYSTICAL SECRETS. So I guess what I’m saying is, unless you hold some mystical secrets to making labor painless, catching up on my laundry while simultaneously napping, or how to turn stretch marks into gummy worms so I can just eat them and they disappear – keep your stories to yourself in the grocery store!