I consider myself an amicable person. I was the middle child growing up and I’m a pisces which, naturally, makes me a problem solver. A compromiser. A keeper of the peace. Let me just say all that goes out the window during week 7 of pregnancy. There are about 78 things that made me want to punch someone in the FACE this week. I have broken them down into a list of the top 5:
1. “Look at your baby bump! You’re showing ALREADY!” Oh, you mean this tiny zygote the size of a blueberry is already visible? I don’t think so asshole. What you’re seeing isn’t called a baby bump, it’s called being BLOATED. Thanks for pointing that out.
2. “I thought you were only napping for 30 minutes.” Did I say that? I meant to say 30 minutes EACH SIDE. I’m sorry the tidal wave of hormones and growing a baby inside me is making me a little sleepy.
3. “Since you can’t drink, you can be our designated driver!” Yes, thank you, master of the obvious. Nothing would bring me more joy than carting your drunk asses around until 1:30 in the morning with toothpicks holding my eyelids open. The only thing that could make this night more fun is if you keep asking me repeatedly “Are you having fun? Are you having fun? We want you to have fun!” Yeah, time of my life, thanks for asking. Being sober is THE BOMB. I’ll be sure to get a 30 minute nap tomorrow to make up for it.
4. “Did you eat ALL the ice cream?” Uh, yeah dick head, I did. But only because we ran out of pickles. I know I’m supposed to be eating nothing but fermented cod liver oil and beef liver to help our baby become a super genius, but occasionally I just need some fucking Oberweiss. It’s like….part of the pregnant lady constitution.
5. “Should you be eating that?” WHAT?! Suddenly I’m pregnant and you get to question my food choices? I ate like the Queen of Paleoland for the last 5 years. I think I’m entitled to some gluten free rice crackers or Muenster cheese. Know what else? I’ll probably eat some sushi while I’m at it. Oh, and some raw cookie dough. Pretty much, unless I’m about to accidentally start snacking on cat turds, keep your MOUTH SHUT. I don’t need you to be my food conscience.